


His Saviour

by syd



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-27 13:00:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syd/pseuds/syd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She had saved him before, pulled him away from the edge, back when he'd been wearing black leather. Maybe she could save him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is set between the episodes 6x12 "Closing Time" and 6x13 "The Wedding of River Song".

When he'd left Craig's, he'd been overcome with a sense of acceptance. Maybe it really was time, maybe his song really was ending. After all, time can be rewritten, nothing was set in stone. With a kind of resolution he hadn't felt in years he'd stepped into the TARDIS and began making some preparations. If he really had to go, he wanted his family to be there with him. It was one thing to accept one's death, but that didn't mean he had to die alone.

 

He found the data he needed and put all the information inside two TARDIS-blue envelopes: One for Amy and Rory, because this body had started with them and it was only right for them to be there when it would end. And one for River, who he had hoped he could have spent so much more time with, exploring each other and maybe even start something real; something timeless and universal.

 

He decided to post his mail a week before the appointed time in order to give everyone enough time to make it to Utah. He set the coordinates, started the engine, parked the TARDIS and left through the door, only to come to a sudden stop just outside the TARDIS-doorstep, when he realised that something wasn't quite right. This was London alright, but it sure as hell wasn't April 2011! With a confused frown the Doctor quickly got back on board of the TARDIS and stepped near the console. He pulled the screen towards him to check the time:

 

_Earth_ _, Great Britain, London_

_23 rd December 2002_

 

"December 2002? What am I suppose to do here?" It only took some quick moves to re-enter the correct coordinates and re-start the engine – but nothing happened. For whatever reason his faithful ship wanted him to be in London during Christmas 2002.

"Why did you bring me here; nothing happened at Christmas in 2002!" Confusion took hold of him and with a new found energy the Doctor tried to find the reason for this particular time and place. He was sure that the TARDIS wouldn't bring him anywhere for no reason at all. But there was nothing! No matter how often he checked his data, how carefully he concentrated on the timelines in his head, he couldn't find a reason.

 

"Well, if you wanna be this way, fine! Don't tell me, I will find out myself!" He sounded like a petulant child, but it seemed the TARDIS didn't care much for being treated that way, as she didn't give any more information. Instead she chose to shine a light towards her door, encouraging the Doctor to indeed find out for himself.

With a slight huff the Time Lord fixed his bow tie and strutted down the ramp of the console room. He pulled open the door, stepped outside and let it fall shut behind him before turning around and again finding himself in the middle of a beautiful winter wonderland.

 

He was in a small park area, where everything was white and peaceful. Thick snowflakes were still falling from the sky and as he made a few steps and turned a corner he realised why the TARDIS had brought him here: He could see the Powell Estate just over the tops of the trees.

Within a second his feelings for _her_ returned to the center of his hearts. He could smell the strawberry shampoo in her hair and the underlining scent of Lavender and that special smell of just _her_ on her skin. He remembered the feel of her hand in his and the feeling he would get every time she would smile at him; that special smile where her tongue would peak though her teeth, the one he'd like to think she'd reserved only for him.

 

Suddenly he panicked. He couldn't see her, couldn't risk bumping into her. He had just accepted his fate, was just starting to come to terms with his looming death. If he saw her now, how could he possibly leave this place ever again? He would just keep pushing off the inevitable, unable to force himself to leave her again.

With panic in his eyes, the Doctor turned around, about to leave this time and place as fast as possible, when he suddenly found himself on the ground, cold snow starting to seep through his trousers.

 

"Oh my god, I am so sorry!" Her hair was as blond as he remembered and the sudden smell of strawberries made him choke up completely. She stood before him just as he remembered she had looked like on that day in March 2005, grabbing his arm and helping him to his feet while still apologizing vehemently. "I hope you didn't hurt yourself. Is everything a'right?"

He could feel his hearts beating far too fast within his chest, this couldn't be happening! He should get away from her now, he should just turn around and run! The Doctor noticed how Rose's face turned even more concerned and realised he still hadn't said anything.

 

"Fine! I… ah… fine." A small smile formed on her lips and all thoughts of leaving this beautiful woman were just distant memories. How could he leave her again and of his own free will? She'd been cruelly ripped from him and when she'd finally found her way back to him he made the biggest mistake of his life by leaving her on that beach. He just couldn't make that mistake again; he didn't have the strength to walk away from her, from this perfect human, yellow and pink girl.

 

"Hi." He hoped she wouldn't find him creepy, standing there and grinning at her like a fool. He remembered that he'd looked much older when they'd first met and felt happy about this new, young face.

 

"Hey." Her smile was back and he was sure that he'd never seen anything quite so bright and pure. "I'm Rose and you are… not from around 'ere?" Her gaze flickered towards his bow tie and jacket and made it clear that she would have remembered someone wearing such unusual clothes in her neighbourhood.

"No, ah… I'm just here for a visit. More like a Goodbye, actually." He grabbed her hand and shook it. "John. John Smith."

 

Rose shook his hand and smiled, but he could see the timelines and how she would just walk away, forgetting him almost immediately. He couldn't let that happen, he had to change the timelines, he had to say something! Now that he'd seen her again, talked to her, smelled her, he knew that he couldn't walk to his death. Not without saying his farewell to her properly.

 

"Would you like to grab a coffee… or tea? Or something? With me?" The Doctor spoke quickly before she had a chance to walk away. Then he remembered Mickey and his heart sank. He knew that she'd been with the young bloke when she'd met his old self and it hadn't seemed like a fresh relationship either. It could very well be that Rose and Mickey were already dating.

 

"I would like that, yes." Rose' words stopped his train of thoughts abruptly and he couldn't help but give her his brightest smile in weeks. She turned away from the Powell Estate to point at an undefined place, telling him of some small diner with the most awful tea in town. "But they do have some really good chips." He happily agreed and walked beside her towards the tiny place where they had had their first chips-date.

 

It surprised him how easily he could talk to her. Of course he'd always been able to talk to her easily, but this was an early Rose. A Rose who didn't know him yet, just seventeen years of age, still young and innocent. She told him of her mother and her life without a father, of her school and how she was thinking about dropping out, because her boyfriend wanted to travel with his rock band.

He told her vaguely about his travels and adventures, about his friends that accompany him and about a religious group that wants him to stop doing what he does before his adventures hurt even more people than they already have. He told her that he'd been running away his whole life and maybe this wasn't the solution to all problems. Maybe running away just delays the inevitable and the sooner he accepts his fate, the better and safer it would be for everyone involved.

 

"Ya' really believe that, John?" Her voice was soft and just above a whisper and for a moment the Doctor wasn't sure if she'd asked because she wanted him to admit his fault or because she wanted him to tell her the secret of a long searched-for truth. But the truth was that he didn't know. He felt defeated and tired and part of him just wanted to stop. With a lost look on his face he gazed at her and her smile told him that she understood.

"Maybe you haven't been running away, maybe it's been more of a running to things: to people, to friends." She moved her hand above his and squeezed it lightly. "From what I've gathered you've done a lot a' good and helped a lot a' people. Why would ya' think this has to stop, just because some pessimistic god-groupies see death around every corner?"

 

A small chuckle escaped him as he considered Rose' words. He'd always known that she was smart; way smarter than she gave herself credit for. Maybe she was right. Maybe what he was doing was nothing else than running away, because what else is suicide than running away from life? Maybe he should just stop to run away from his life and continue to run to people he cared for.

"Those are very wise words, Rose Tyler." He gave her an honest smile and held her hand tightly between his.

 

They stayed at the diner for five and a half hours just talking and holding hands. Then, as the owner kicked them out because he wanted to close up, he offered to walk her back home.

 

"It's funny, you know? It's as if I've known ya' for ages." They'd arrived at her apartment building a few minutes ago, but remained outside, not willing to let each other go so soon. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how he had never stopped loving her, how he still dreamed of her every other night. He wanted to prove to her how much she meant to him, how she had changed him for the better, how she had changed his life again this evening, how lucky he felt to get this last chance to see her, to smell her, to feel her.

Instead he smiled at her and slowly leaned forward, pressing his lips to her cold cheek. He remained like that for a moment longer, then straightened again. He knew she had a boyfriend and he also knew how loyal and faithful she'd always been. A kiss on the cheek was all he could ask for.

 

"Thank you, Rose. You have no idea how much this evening has meant to me." A sad shadow fell over her face, as she realised that he was bidding her goodbye. She had been hoping to see him again, instead his words sounded like a definite farewell without a chance to meet again.

 

"Take care of yourself, John!" Her smile was sad and hopeful at the same time. She really hoped he would find his spirit again; the spirit he'd been telling her about; the spirit she so desperately wanted in her life as well; the one she hoped to find with her boyfriend, Jimmy.

 

The Doctor felt lighter in his hearts as he began walking back to the TARDIS. Turns out his faithful ship had known exactly where to bring him once again. He didn't have to accept his so-called fate, he could see that now. It was time to get started on the rest of his life, starting with his "death".

 

At the end of the street he turned around one last time. Rose was still watching him, her smile sending him all the strength he needed for what was about to come. He raised his voice and told her what he'd always wanted her to know: "You are the most remarkable person I have ever met, Rose. Don't let anyone ever tell you any different!" The bright beam on her face was the last thing he saw before he turned the corner and disappeared into the unbelievable world he had come from.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Two is set between 7x05 "The Angels Take Manhattan" and 7x06 "The Snowmen".

How was it that everything was still turning?  
All around him he could see planets spinning, galaxies growing, stars exploding, but for him, everything has stopped. On this fateful day in Manhattan everything had ended.

After River had pulled him into the TARDIS and had started the engines, she had joined him in their bedroom, sat down beside him and held him. Realization had kicked in that her parents were gone forever, winding down her last strengths. They'd spent days making each other forget, trying to escape the harsh truth, losing themselves in the love and passion they'd felt for each other.

Weeks later she'd left him. He couldn't blame her, he'd always known that their timelines were too delicate for them to remain at the same time in the same place for too long; they couldn't risk it.

For the first time in decades he was completely alone again. He'd been getting so used to Amy and Rory, to their constant chatter and tiresome questions that he'd forgotten how lonely it could get inside his insanely big ship.  
He caught himself starting a sentence or posing a question, only to realize that no one was around to hear it. Once or twice he found himself brainstorming where they could visit next, what time Amy and Rory hadn't seen yet or which personality, emperor or queen they hadn't met yet, then remembering that he would never show them anything ever again. 

The TARDIS had noticed his depression quite early on, but let weeks go by in the hopes of the Doctor snapping out of it. It wasn't the first time he'd lost a companion, after all. Except, their loss were the first ones in a very long time that he had the chance to mourn. The last few decades he'd lived his life on the fast lane, never stopping or slowing down, never standing still long enough to feel the pain. The terrible pain of losing Rose, of Martha's leaving. Not even the pain and guilt he felt every time he thought of Donna.

It took the TARDIS several weeks to take matters into her own control. Of course the Doctor heard the landing-sound and noticed the absence of the engine-noise, but he simply refused to move from his spot on River's and his bed. He wasn't ready to move on, to just continue living his life. So what, if there were some helpless people in need outside his door; it wasn't as if the universe did him any favours, so why should he do anyone any?  
His loyal friend, however, had a very different opinion and eventually forced the Doctor outside by levelling the on-board temperature far below freezing.

"Stupid, old box!" He was angrily muttering to himself when he stepped through the door, cursing his faithful friend for her cruel methods. Shivering he turned around, taking in the place she brought him to and quickly realizing that he was once again standing in that same small park area, only a few miles away from the Powell Estate.  
In an instant he felt angry. What was the TARDIS thinking? It had been bad enough for him to visit her once, now he was to see her again? And also, Rose wasn't the solution to all problems. She was just a child, for god's sake! Who was he to just seek her out whenever he felt down, drowning her in all his sorrow and pain, then leaving her behind in her miserable, lonely life.

"John?" Surprised he flew around, finding himself only meters from Rose. This time she wasn't wearing her pink jacket and her woollen hat and he noticed that the park wasn't covered in snow anymore. Instead he could make out fresh blossoms and green trees, making him believe that it must be late spring. 

"Oh god, 's really you!" Rose was slowly coming towards him, a mix of surprise and happiness grazing her features. Immediately the anger vanished, leaving behind only hope and love. He hadn't felt this happy since Manhattan, hadn't felt this hopeful since Amy and Rory had died. 

"Rose." Her name was just a whisper and hadn't she been throwing herself at him, hugging him tightly, she wouldn't have heard it. With a newfound strength he pulled her to him and held her tight. He breathed in her scent, then slowly let her go again. 

"I thought I'd never see you again." She made a step backwards, but still held on to his shoulders as if afraid he would vanish if she let go. The Doctor returned the gesture, laying his hands on her cheeks, letting his fingers glide through her golden hair.  
"You remembered me." It was more of a statement than a question, surprise filling his voice. After all, she'd only met him once for a few hours and all they'd done was talk to each other. "'course I remember you!" Rose' face was split by the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen and he realized that there was nothing he'd rather do than kiss her.  
But he couldn't. For starters, he didn't even know when he was and if Rose was single right now. Furthermore, she was still just a child and he was still a 1200 year old alien – she deserved so much more than him!

"How ya' doin', John? And what are ya' doin' here?" Rose took his hand in hers and lead them to a wooden bench nearby, where she sat down, then pulled him down next to her. For a moment he considered if he should tell her anything at all. He wanted to, so badly, because he knew, that she would know the exact right thing to say to make it all better and because she'd always understood him like nobody else ever could. But how dare he burden her with his pain when he knew very well he couldn't offer her anything in return? 

A deep sigh escaped his lips. He leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees and laying his head in his hands. His fingers buried themselves in his thick hair while the heels of his palms rubbed against his eyes. He could feel her hand on his back, soothing him, gliding up and down calmingly. With another deep sigh he whispered what he knew to be the most honest truth: "I don't deserve you."

For a few moments she was quietly stroking up and down his back. Then she grabbed his upper arm and pulled him up. "Come on, wat'cha need is some good, strong tea."

He expected her to lead him to a diner or coffee shop, but instead he followed her all the way up to the apartment she shared with her mother. She ordered him to sit down on the couch in the living room before disappearing into the kitchen. He could hear her working the kettle and preparing two cups of tea and used the time to study the baby pictures and photos on the wall. On one she was just a little girl and proudly leaning against a red bicycle, a Christmas tree in the background. 

"I was twelve when I got that bike for Christmas. To this day my Mom swears that she doesn't know how it got there, because she didn't buy it." Rose handed him a steaming cup before sitting down on the couch and waiting for him to join her. He wanted to tell her that for once her Mom was actually right, but she spoke up again, bringing his thoughts back to the present. "So John, you gonna tell me why ya' feeling so down?" 

It took him two hours to tell her everything that had happened since the last time they'd seen each other while still remaining vague enough to not sound like a lunatic. All the while she listened patiently, nodding and humming in all the right places and asking smart questions when he was being too vague or when matters became too complex to follow easily. Then, he finally told her about Manhattan, about the Angels and how they'd trapped Rory, about Rory and Amy breaking the paradox by risking their lives and how he'd felt elated over the seemingly happy ending, only to have them ripped from him so quickly he couldn't even say his goodbyes. Tears were streaming down his face and when he looked up he saw one crawling down her cheek as well. 

"Oh, John, I'm so sorry!" It almost seemed as if she could feel his pain inside her chest and it broke her heart. She knew how much he'd loved the Pond's, how much they'd become a family to him. She understood him, even though she couldn't remember her father's death, and she felt with him so deeply. She wished she could help him somehow but all she knew to do was hold him tight… so she did. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head down to her shoulder. Immediately his arms went around her small frame and his face buried itself in her neck, his body shaking from the sobs he couldn't control any longer.  
After long minutes of her whispering sweet nothings into his ear, his tears died down. He'd cried so much over the last few weeks that he simply didn't have anymore to give.

Gently she rocked him back and forth, her hand once again gliding up and down his back, trying to calm him, to sooth his pain the only way she knew how. She noticed that his sobs had stopped and considered offering him another cup of tea, when she felt his lips on her shoulder. They were wet from the tears, but the kisses were oh so soft and feather light. Her breath hitched when she felt them wandering up her neck and while she knew that this was so very wrong, she just couldn't find it within her to stop him. She knew that she had a boyfriend and normally she would be absolutely faithful and loyal, but he needed her! He needed her soo badly, he was hurting so much and for some strange, unknown reasons she felt like she could help him, fix him somehow.  
She could feel his right hand at the back of her neck now while his left came to rest at the bottom of her back, the fingers gently drawing some circle-like symbols there. His lips found her face, kissing slowly and softly along her jaw line until they finally found her lips. It was just a ghost of a kiss, brushing so delicately over her lips she couldn't even be sure it had really happened. A small sigh escaped her and instantly broke the spell.

The Doctor's eyes flew open as if he'd only now realised what was happening, and within a second he broke away, bringing an arm's length between Rose and himself. "Rose! Oh God, I'm so sorry!" His features were honestly shocked and guilt ridden, fearful she would scream at him or hit him. He jumped off the sofa and crossed the room with only a few steps. His hands were over his mouth and in his hair, eyes closed tightly and thoughts running a hundred miles an hour.  
How could he have let that happen? How could he do that to her? Because, of course he wanted her, had always wanted her, but this Rose… she didn't even know him, she didn't share the same memories and adventures and feelings he did. It was wrong to use her like this, to make her betray her boyfriend like that.

"I am so. So. Sorry! I let my guard down and I didn't think straight." With the words quickly tumbling out of his mouth he tried to explain what had happened. "I shouldn't have, I'm so sorry, Rose!" For the first time since the kiss his guilt ridden eyes fell on Rose, trying to determine her feelings and thoughts. It almost seemed as if she hadn't made up her mind yet, still reeling between the pleasures of his kisses, the shock of his sudden escape, the pain of rejection and guilt over her faithlessness. With one last "I'm sorry!" he bolted out of the room and out of the apartment. He couldn't wait for her to make up her mind, because what if she hated him for what he'd done? He wouldn't be able to go on if he knew that she hated him. 

In less than a minute he managed to leave the Powell Estate, almost running the way back to the TARDIS and only stopping when he'd finally closed the blue door behind him. Angrily he banged his head against the wood. Why? Why would he do something like that? He'd probably ruined everything between them. He'd come here to forget his pain and grief, only to return with even more of both. Oh, the irony!  
Maybe it would be best if he'd just find an uneventful year, where he could settle down, keep to himself and not ruin anyone's life. Maybe it was time for him to vanish.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters Three to Five are set after 7x06 "The Snowmen". The Doctor is still travelling on his own in all three chapters -> no Clara.

 

It was as if a light bulb had gone on inside his mind. After all these months of dark and twisty moods and thoughts, he'd finally been brought back into the bright and shiny light of excitement. There was something phenomenal going on with Clara and he just knew that he had to find her, because although he'd seen her die twice now, he was absolutely sure that she was still out there.

 

"Weeeell, that was a bust!" With quick steps the Doctor ran up the ramp, skipped around the console, flipped a switch and pressed some buttons. It had been the fifth planet he'd gone looking for her, the last one having been a little bit of a long shot that hadn't turned up any new leads. Still he felt elated and motivated and soon started up the engines again. A soft hum told him that his ship had some more suggestions for him to choose from, but a sudden feeling in his chest made him freeze instantly. It wasn't so much a physical pain, than it was an emotional sensation, almost like the kind of prickle one gets in the back of their mind whenever they forget something really important.

 

"This is new, what's that now? Is there something I forgot?" He whacked his brain trying to figure out what this new feeling could be, when the TARDIS jerked suddenly, throwing him on the metal floor.

"Oi! What's going on?" He managed to get back up and quickly drew the screen towards him, trying to find out what his ship was up to. It took only seconds for the TARDIS to calm down again, parking herself before the Doctor had a chance to do anything at all.

 

_Earth, Great Britain, London_

_18 th September 2003_

 

"Actually, Sexy, I don't believe we'll find Clara here." Confused he checked the data again. When he couldn't find a clue to indicate why he should be at this time and place he tried to leave, pulling levers and flipping switches – to no avail. Once again his faithful TARDIS was adamant that he should be right here, right now. "Oh, alright, if you insist…" Defeated the Doctor rolled his eyes, smoothed his hair and made his way to the wooden door, reminding himself to check the stubborn-levels of his old Type 40 later.

 

He stumbled out of the TARDIS and immediately recognized the small park area near the Powell Estate. For a moment he stood frozen in front of his ship, confusion and dread battling for dominance. Why would the TARDIS bring him here? Didn't she know how his last visit to Rose had ended? Rose hated him, she didn't even want to see him, he was sure of that! What if she came along now and saw him, like the other times before? Would she scream at him, insult him or even worse, would she just ignore him, act as if she didn't see him or just tell him in a calm voice that she wanted him to leave and never come back here again?

 

Afraid he turned on his heel, expecting Rose to stand before him, since it had worked like that the two times before. There was nobody there tough. Not a single soul was walking through the park, the Doctor being the only one to disturb the coloured leaves on the ground.

 

"That's weird!" With a raised eyebrow the Doctor turned in circles a few times, just to make sure he really was the only one there. Then he walked over to the wooden bench he and Rose had sat on during his spring visit. Why would the TARDIS bring him here, if Rose wasn't even here to meet him? And also… why would he even need to see her? He hadn't felt down since he met Clara, so he didn't need to talk to anyone or for someone to listen to his ramblings.

As far as he could see there were two explanations. One, the TARDIS had made a mistake and he wasn't even supposed to be here. Two, this visit wasn't like the others, but he should still find and talk to Rose.

 

It was the strange sensation in his chest that made him choose eventually, and because he knew that not everything was about him all the time, he got up and started the short walk to the Powell Estate. It only took him a few minutes to reach her apartment, but every second of it was filled with fear and anxiety.

 

For three whole minutes he just stood there, watching the door, too afraid to actually knock. When he turned around, about to leave again, he once again felt the unexplained sensation in his chest, stronger this time, and without hesitation he raised his hand to knock four times.

He almost hoped that no one would open the door, that there was nobody at home, or even for Jackie to open the door and tell him that Rose was out at the moment. But when the door did open up, it was Rose who stood before him.

 

"Haaaii." The Doctor awkwardly greeted her while trying to not look like he'd rather run away. Of all the scenarios he'd been imagining, Rose' defeated posture and her red rimmed eyes sure hadn't been part of them. "Hm… didn' think I'd ever see you again", was all she said before she turned around and walked back into the apartment, leaving the door open for him to follow her inside. After a short hesitation the Doctor stepped inside and closed the door behind him. His fear and anxiety had been replaced with worry and confusion – what was going on?

 

He found Rose in the living room, sitting on one end of the couch with her knees drawn up to press a big pillow against her chest. Her arms were around her legs and her whole posture practically screamed that she felt as miserable as the tears in the corner of her eyes suggested. Rose observed the Doctor for a few seconds as he awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, unsure where to stand or sit.

 

"What d'ya want, John? Why 'ya here?" A deep sigh followed her questions as if asking them had drained all her energy. He almost didn't dare speaking up, afraid he could anger her and not wanting to upset her any more. Still, he had to know what was going on, why his Rose was feeling so miserable and how he could help her.

 

"I'm here for you." As he spoke the words he realised the truth in them. He was indeed here for Rose. She was the reason the TARDIS had brought him here. His first two visits had been for him, to make him feel better, but this one was for her. He was brought here to help her, to return the favour and try to fix her. But first he had to know what had happened to make things this wrong in the first place.

 

"What happened, Rose?" His voice was soft and caring as he slowly sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. He would have liked nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her until everything was better, but he still wasn't sure how she felt about him. For the umpteenth time he cursed himself for running out on her a few months ago, without an explanation or even a goodbye.

 

A sniffle was the only answer he got for a few whole minutes. Then, when Rose realised that he wouldn't just back down on his own, she mumbled in a defeated voice: "Why d'ya even care? In the end you're just the same, you all run away from me." A quite sob escaped her as she buried her face in the pillow, pulling it to her even more.

 

"Gawd, no, Rose, of course I care!" Shocked over the sudden emotional display the Doctor felt helpless as to how to react. He was too afraid to embrace her, not wanting to crowd her when she obviously still held a grudge. Then he remembered her words and frowned at her. "Who is 'you all'?" Who did she mean, who else had run out on her? It couldn't have been Jackie, because he knew that woman and how fiercely protective she was over her daughter. Never in a million years would Jackie hurt Rose like that. But who else then? Mickey, maybe? "Please, Rose, tell me what happened!" he tried again, carefully and gently covering her arm with his hand.

 

It took another few minutes for Rose to accept that he wouldn't just leave again, that he really wanted to help her. She stilled her sobs and raised her head to watch him, and when he still didn't move, she finally gave in. She began to tell him of Jimmy Stone in a low, mumbling voice that was interrupted by sobs every now and then. About how he had been the coolest guy she'd ever met and how he had told her of his dreams and visions of becoming a rock star. She told him how she'd loved that dream and how ecstatic she'd been when he'd asked her to come with him. Finally she would leave this boring, mundane life behind and go on an adventure like she'd always dreamed. She'd packed her bags before she'd told her Mum about it, who had screamed and scolded and begged, but she hadn't listened. The next day she'd hopped into Jimmy's car and off they'd gone, never even looking back.

Until he'd grown bored of her, that is. The adventure had only lasted for thirteen days, after which Jimmy had found some other girl and had left her in a hotel bar in Manchester.

That had been a week ago. Rose had had to call her Mum to pick her up and of course Jackie'd been so worried about her daughter that she hadn't even hesitated.

 

Rose' voice had grown stronger and angrier over the tale and by the time she'd finished the story angry tears were running down her cheek. The Doctor, who had scooted to her end of the couch slowly and was now only a few inches away from her, raised his hand from her arm to her face and gently wiped away the tears. "Oh Rose, my poor Rose, I'm so sorry." When Rose didn't protest his advances he scooted even closer until he could lay an arm around her shoulders and draw her to him. "You deserve so much better than him. You deserve the moon and all the stars and a man, who'd gladly lay them all before your feet."

Slowly, to give Rose enough time to object, he took the pillow away from her, raised her legs and laid them over his, pulling her near and folding her small frame against his. She was practically sitting on his lab, when he started drawing soothing circles on her back and reassuring her with a low calm voice. "You are an astonishing person, Rose, and Jimmy is an idiot if he believes he can find any girl that’s better or smarter or more beautiful than you." Softly he placed a small kiss on her temple. "Because you, Rose Tyler, you are the jackpot!"

 

Slowly she raised her head to look him in the eyes. For a moment she seemed to fight an internal battle, then she leaned in and placed her lips gently over his. When their lips touched, she closed her eyes and the Doctor instantly copied her, enjoying her forbidden taste, moaning when the emotions overwhelmed him. He knew that he shouldn't do this, that he shouldn't let her do this, but her lips were so soft, her taste oh so sweet and her whimpers nearly drove him insane. How long had he been dreaming about this, about her in his arms, her lips on his, about the sounds of pleasure she would make in absolute ecstasy? How many nights had he spent alone in his bed, gripping himself, fantasising it was her hand on him? How often had he taken cold showers, only to end up stifling his moans against the cold shower tiles, because the image behind his closed eyes were too much to handle; images of her kneeling before him, wet and hot and moaning around his cock in her mouth?

 

He felt her tongue on his lower lips and let her in immediately, revelling in her taste and feel, drinking in the sounds she made and her hand on his neck pulling him near. She shifted above him and without breaking contact settled herself over him, her knees on either side of his legs. His hands fell to her hips, unsure whether he should pull her near or push her away before things got completely out of hand. She relieved him of the decision when she ground her hips, pulling a throaty moan out of him.

When they had to break apart in favour of oxygen, his mouth began travelling down her neck, devouring every inch of skin he could reach and relishing in every single moan she made. His left hand went to her back, pulling her even nearer, while his right one stroked up and down her thigh, slipping more down to her inner thigh with every stroke. With one quick move he had them turned, with her on her back against the armrest and him hovering above her. His brain was still telling him to stop, to back away, to regain control, but his hearts and his groin weren't listening. He finally had her like he'd always dreamed of, willing and hot, moaning loudly and rocking her hip against his painfully hard erection.

Then he felt her hand glide down over his chest and stomach and a big part of him just wanted to feel and enjoy, to let his own hand wander, to make her scream, but he knew he had to stop. He couldn't let this happen, not now, not like this. He breathed heavily against her neck, trying to regain as much control as he could. He feared her reaction, as she'd just been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend and had trusted him to not leave her again, to hurt her again. With all of his will power, he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers.

 

"Rose, stop!" The words were barely above a whisper, but they had the effect of a bullet. Immediately Rose' eyes shot open, her hands freezing where they were. Hating himself for wishing they'd continue their journey, for doing this to her, for letting his feeling and lust for this girl take over and cloud his judgement once again, he opened his eyes, looking deeply into hers and hoping for her to see how much this hurt him as well. "We can't do this, not like this."

 

He could see the anger rise on her face, expecting her to react like this. "I know you want this, John." It broke his hearts to tell her no, to pile on to her pain, to reject her even though he'd liked to do nothing more than to take her right there, right now.

"You have no idea how much I want this, Rose." He whispered hoarsely, grinding his straining cock against her upper thigh, showing her how much he wanted her. "I have wanted this for so long, you can't even imagine."  He tried to show all his love for her when he looked at her, praying for her to understand. "But if we do this now, then you'll wake up tomorrow and you'll hate me for using you like this." He gently laid his hand on her cheek. "And I can't let that happen, I can't have you thinking so low of me."

 

He observed her closely, watching her anger giving way to immense pain; pain of rejection and pain of broken trust. Ashamed and broken she turned her head away from him, but he laid his hand against her chin, making her face him again. "No, Rose, listen to me! I want this, I want you… I love you!" He waited for her to understand his words, before continuing. "I won't leave you and if you still want this in a week, then I'll show you how much I want you." He watched her as she registered his words and understood their meaning. "But not tonight. You're hurting and you need to heal first."

 

He waited to see her features turn understanding and accepting. He felt her hand glide up to his back, pulling him down to her. She scooted over a bit to make room for him and whispered: "Just… don't go!"

Without another word he settled down on the couch. She pulled a thin blanket from the backrest and spread it over them, then settled herself next to him with one arm and one leg over his body. It took less than a few minutes for her to fall asleep, the emotional rollercoaster of the past weeks finally catching up to her.

 

The Doctor stayed for two hours, watching her and imagining how perfect his human self's life must be, over in the parallel world, getting to be with Rose for the rest of his life. Then he remembered Jackie and he gently extracted himself from Rose' limbs. He didn't know where Jackie was or when she'd return, but he sure as hell wasn't going to be lying on this couch, entangled with her daughter, when she did. He covered Rose with the blanket and gave her one last kiss on the forehead before he quietly walked out of the apartment and back to the TARDIS.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters Three to Five are set after 7x06 "The Snowmen". The Doctor is still travelling on his own in all three chapters -> no Clara

It had been seven days since the Doctor had left Rose asleep on the couch in her apartment. He'd promised her to come see her again in a week and he was definitely going to keep that promise. Of course he hadn't stayed put during those seven days; that would have driven him insane. He just couldn't do the 'one place for more than a few hours'-thing. Instead he'd gone back to his TARDIS, started the engine and spent a few hours in the vortex, trying to sort his mind and not overthink the situation.

After the third time catching himself daydreaming about Rose' lips on various places of his body, he decided to skip the slow way. He knew he wanted her, nothing was going to change that, certainly not seven long Earth-Days. With a few quick movements he set the right coordinates, double-checking so he would land exactly a week after his last visit.

 

When he stepped outside his blue box, he felt unsure for a moment. Should he just go to her apartment and knock? Or would she come looking for him? Were they to meet somewhere? He hadn't exactly spent too much time or thought on these particular questions when they'd last spoken.

 

He was just about to walk the familiar way to her apartment, when he saw her. She was just about to enter the little park area, apparently looking for him on the same spot she'd run into him before. Slowly walking in her direction, they met in the middle, greeting each other with the brightest smiles.

 

"You came." Rose sounded relieved, making him feel guilty for leaving her while she'd still been asleep. "Of course I did, I promised you."

Not wanting to seem too eager the Doctor suggested to go for a walk, which turned out to be an excellent idea, giving Rose the opportunity to talk about her week and her past relationship with Jimmy. He used the time to observe her carefully, watching for signs of her maybe not being as fine as she claimed she was.

She told him how she'd used the past seven days to really think over her past and how she had dealt with her anger. She'd been angry with Jimmy for treating her like he had and also angry with herself for having been so blind and stupid. Because yes, she wanted to get out of the Powell Estate, but had realised that there were healthier ways to do so. She was adamant to get on with her life and had even applied for a job as a shop girl. The Doctor listened carefully and even though he could sense the many emotions in her voice, he couldn't detect any remorse over what had transpired between them.

 

After two hours they started to make their way back to the Powell Estate and he tried to take her mind off the emotional topic by vaguely telling her about a few of his more hilarious adventures.

"So by the time they'd realised what had happened, I'd already hightailed out of there. Needless to say I'm not allowed inside this particular museum anymore." It was good to see her laugh again and felt glad he could make her forget the past few weeks, if only for a few hours.

 

They'd arrived at the Powell Estate a few minutes ago but had remained outside while he finished telling his tale. She stood before him with an admiring gleam in her eyes and a dreamy smile on her lips. She loved hearing about his adventures, loved to listen to his stories, always hoping she'd one day get to experience one too.

 

Rose watched as his facial expression turned from proud and enigmatic to gentle and loving and felt his cold hand by her face, tugging a stray curl of blonde hair behind her ear.

"You wanna come up?" He'd almost not heard her soft whisper, but her shy gaze spoke volumes. He knew what she offered and nearly couldn't believe it. This was his Rose. His perfect and stunningly beautiful Rose. The girl he had gladly died for and gladly would again.

 

Slowly he leaned forward and laid his lips softly on hers. The kiss was short, sweet and electric and full of promises and love. After just a few seconds he ended it and he leaned back just enough so he could lay his forehead against hers.

"Please, yes!" He hadn't planed for his voice to sound so desperate and hoarse, but Rose didn't seem to mind. She grinned happily, her tongue peeking through her teeth at the corner of her mouth, and pressed another quick kiss upon his lips before taking his hand and leading him inside.

 

The ride in the elevator seemed to be especially long and only managed to spur on his impatience. Once they'd reached her doorstep, he really wanted to be a gentleman and tame the need and lust he felt for her. After all she was just a child, just eighteen years old, and she didn't even know him that well. If he thought about it, he realised that she'd only met him three times and their meeting have never lasted longer than a few hours. In what universe would it be all right for him to take advantage of such an innocent, beautiful, young girl?

 

But then her lips touched his and all thoughts of keeping this visit on a kiss-only-basis flew out of the window. He had missed her so much and he needed her so badly, always had, always will. He longed to touch her, to feel her, to taste her.

Rose opened the front door and slipped into the apartment, pulling the Doctor with her. His eyes fell on the all too familiar interior and for the first time he remembered Jackie and what would she think about some stranger who came into her apartment to seduce her daughter?

 

"Rose.. ah what about Ja… your mother?" He would really love to continue the kissing and even elaborate on that matter, but the thought of Jackie sitting in the next room did lower the mood. Rose saw dread and concern on his face and had to stifle a giggle. "She won't be home for hours", was all she said before grabbing the Doctor's lapel and pulling his face back down to hers. She kissed him deeply, slipping her tongue between his lips when he couldn't hold back an approving moan. She held him close while blindly making her way to her room and as soon as the door fell shut behind them, the Doctor awoke into action. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her near him, pressing every inch of her body to his. She moaned deeply against his lips and let her hands wander from his neck into his hair, her nails raking over his scalp and her fingers softly tugging on his hair.

 

The feeling was exceptional and for a short moment he felt compelled to take her against the door, right there, right now. He had needed her for so long, had fantasized about her for years, imagined her hands on his body, followed by her lips, doing unspeakable things to him. But this… this was real and Rose deserved so much more than a quick fuck against the door. So he broke their kiss to look deeply into her eyes before leaning down and taking her in his arms. She squealed when she lost the floor beneath her feet, but soon he'd laid her down on the middle of her bed then adjusted so he'd hover above her.

 

"Hey stranger!" Rose greeted him with a warm smile, her hands wandering upwards to rest on his back. He steadied himself by leaning on his elbows on one side of her body, sneaking one leg between hers and using his other hand to trail a feather-light path down her neck. "Hey yourself."

 

His lips closed around hers in a slow, deep kiss before winding their way over her cheek down to her neck. He sucked on the spot between her neck and shoulder, biting lightly then soothing the pain with his tongue. His hand had slipped underneath her clothes, stroking her rips softly, not quite reaching her breasts. Frustrated with the many layers between them Rose let out a groan. With some quick movements she managed to get out of her pink hoodie and the shirt beneath, leaving her in her bra. Mesmerized by the view he didn't even realise he was being undressed until the cool air hit his naked chest. His bowtie lay forgotten beside the bed and his tweed jacket and his white button-down were hanging by his elbows. Quickly he removed the objects leaving him naked from the waist up with his suspenders hanging by his side.

 

"Rose, oh Rose", the Doctor mumbled over and over, his hand gently travelling over her beautiful body. "You have no idea how long I've wanted this." He thought back to all those lonely nights he spent on board of his TARDIS, dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, but never letting himself believe that this day would one day arrive.

With a soft and slow motion he touched her everywhere he could reach, almost mesmerized and transfixed by her beauty.

 

"Please, John…" Her moans were soft and quite, but he could hear the urgency in them. Her breathing had become ragged and he rather felt than heard her shuddering moan when he finally touched her breast, shoving the cup of her bra to the side to take her hardened nipple into his mouth. Her hands flew into his hair, grabbing and pulling and pushing him nearer all at the same time, spurring him on, telling him to never, ever stop. He flicked his tongue over her nipple, sucked on it and squeezed it, lightly biting it, then soothing it with gentle strokes of his tongue.

 

She was writhing underneath him, revelling in the feeling of the Doctor all around her, his mouth on her breast, his hands on her body; it felt like he was everywhere at once, when he made his way to the other side, tending just as much attention to her second breast. His hands kept busy, sneaking underneath her and opening her bra, eliminating one more barrier between them. He tossed the offending object to the side and off the bed, concentrating on the little noises Rose was making, cataloguing and memorizing them.

 

He reluctantly let go of her nipple to make his way to new parts of her body, when she pulled him up, grabbed him behind the neck and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. She circled her legs around his hips, then quickly turned them to have him lay on his back with her straddling his hips. Now it was her turn to do some exploring, kissing down his neck to his chest, only shortly licking his nipples before continuing further down. Flicking her tongue into his navel, she followed her busy hands, which had already opened his trouser button and fly. While one hand was still trying to pull them down over his hips, the impatient one had already sneaked inside, cupping his hardening length through his pants.

 

He gave a strangled groan, trying to restrain his bucking hips, but failing. He tried to find a place for his hands, flailing for a moment, then sliding them through Rose' hair, but still unsure if he should push or pull, not wanting her to get the wrong impression. Because yes yes _yesss_ , he wanted this so badly, had fantasized about this for decades, just wanted to finally feel her hot, wet mouth around him, but he also didn't want her to feel forced or pressured to do anything she didn't want to do.

 

Her hand was killing him, stroking and squeezing him and he lifted his head to watch her with a short, uneven breath, trying to calm himself down a bit, when he felt her pull down his pants to rest with his trousers just beneath his knees. The cold air hit his hard cock as it sprang free, only to be instantly engulfed by her hot lips and stroked and licked by her soft tongue.

"Ahh, Rassilon!" He forcefully threw his head back against the pillow, screwing his eyes shut and trying not to jerk his hips against her, relishing in this glorious feeling.

 

Rose smiled around his length, enjoying that she could make him loose control like that, then wrapping her hand around the base, squeezing and stroking him. She flicked her tongue around his head, sucking and drawing and bobbing her head up and down. When she used her second hand to start massaging his balls, he gave a deep moan and pulled her away, back up to him to kiss her feverishly, tasting himself on her lips. "We don't want this to be over too soon, right?"

 

The Doctor captured her lips in a searing kiss, trying to get his heartbeats under control, while rolling them over, reversing their positions once again. He brought a knee between her legs, rocking his hips slowly, driving her mad as his lips left hers, slowly making their way down her neck. He wanted to slow down a bit, drag this out as long as possible, enjoying this for as long as she would let him. His pacing was slow and his kisses varied between wet and sloppy and soft and light, while his hands travelled over her naked skin agonizingly slow. He wanted to touch her everywhere, not miss a single spot of her perfect body.

 

He kissed the spot just beneath her collarbone, where he knew she'd one day have a tiny scar, then moved to kiss her shoulder and continued down her bare arm. He marked every inch of her skin, covered it with kisses, lightly bit, licked and nibbled, as his hands stroked different parts of her, teased her gently, softly caressed and tried to remember every curve and bump. He savoured her taste, enjoying her breathy moans and when she started to get impatient and tried to steer him to where she wanted him, he chuckled lightly before returning to her lips, kissing her deeply and passionately until she only gave short breathed whimpers.

 

"Please, John, I-"

 

With his face already buried between her breasts he groaned a reply. "You what, Rose?" He watched her face and took in the mixed look of bliss and frustration. She opened her mouth, only to moan her approval when he started to show his affection to her right nipple, pinching the left one between his fingers.

 

"What do you want?"

 

He observed her closely as she tried to convert her thoughts into words and failing when she felt him settle between her legs. Without having noticed they had both lost their trousers and pants, and she currently felt the Doctor's fingers as he pulled down her trainers and socks. Then his fingertips ghosted over her leg, to her knee and thigh, soft feathery touches that went up and up and even higher and the Doctor watched as Rose held her breath, waiting for his hands to reach their destination, only to let it out with a frustrated groan, when he forewent her center to begin the journey anew on her other thigh instead.

 

"Tell me what you need, Rose," he breathed along her thigh, accompanying his hand, occasionally flicking out his tongue, patiently waiting for her to answer.

 

"I- I need…" Her breath hitched when she felt his warm breath over her wet folds and she bucked her hips, trying to get what she wanted. He reacted quickly, moving away and started to tease her folds with soft caresses, just enough for her to get a small taste of what's to come, but not enough to relieve any tension.

 

"I need you- your mouth." Stammering she slid her hands over his head, raking her nails over his skin, lightly tugging on strands of soft hair. Her breathing was ragged and her legs were trembling and he still didn't move his lips down to her throbbing clit.

"On me, please, your lips, John!" She was practically begging, trying to hold his head while rocking up off the bed, looking for the friction she needed so soo badly. And finally he gave it to her, slipping his tongue through her dripping folds, licking her from bottom to top, stopping just short of her clit, repeating it again and again.

 

Her taste exploded on his tongue, sweet and salty and the most exquisite taste he'd ever known and could only interpret as _Rose_. He moaned deeply into her pussy, needing to taste more of her, lapping feverishly, flicking his tongue, twisting it, sucking and nibbling and thrusting, but never quite touching her clit. Over him Rose was in a state of pure bliss, moaning and sighing, breathing heavily and pressing his head harder down on her, needing him to continue, to never ever stop. Her eyes were closed tight, her head thrown from one side to the other, her back arching off the bed, not getting enough, never enough!

 

He could hear her sigh his name over and over again, like a mantra, only interrupted by hissed sounds of "yes" and "more" and he couldn't remember ever having heard or tasted or seen or felt anything so overwhelming. He needed her to come, to spill her juices all over his face and scream out his name. The first finger disappeared between her folds, quickly joined by a second one and curved inside her to reach that one special spot just right. He thrust his fingers in and out, fast and hard, unrelenting, hitting her G-spot over and over and finally he laid his lips over her clit, licking and sucking and lightly biting.

Her orgasm exploded suddenly, her walls tightened around him, squeezing his fingers forcefully and he was sure that her screams could be heard two apartments down. Her juices dripped down his chin and he lapped at her, trying to get it all.

 

Rose lay beneath him, spent and heaving as he slowly withdrew his fingers, licking them clean one by one, and moved up to lie beside her. He watched her as she enjoyed the aftershocks of her orgasm, while softly kissing her shoulder and gently caressing her stomach and navel.

 

"You're beautiful when you come." He kissed her flushed skin, slightly teasing and whispering a hundred thoughts against it, as she came back down from her high. Smiling she turned to him and pressed her lips against his. She could taste herself on him, on his lips and his chin, tasting like salt and sex and she found it strangely arousing. With her blood starting to run hot again, she deepened the kiss, finding the Doctor's tongue with hers, moaning when he returned her passion with just as much force. With a quick movement she rolled him on his back and settled over him, rubbing her breasts against his chest and rocking her hips against his straining cock.

 

He groaned deeply, grabbing her hips tightly, and tried to quicken her pace. For a small moment he felt embarrassed. He shouldn't feel this primitive need for her. As a Time Lord he should be able to control himself, to be above this passion and lust he felt running through his veins. But he couldn't, and he didn't want to either. After more than two hundred years of fantasizing and wishing he finally had her in his arms, and she was willing and hot and naked. With the next rub of her hips his thoughts vanished into thin air, replaced by primal need and bottomless lust.

 

"Rose, I need you!" He looked in her eyes and saw his desire reflected in them. "Please!" She pressed a quick kiss on his lips, then leaned over to fish a condom out of her nightstand and before he could think about how practiced her motions were, he felt the cool latex being rolled over his length.

Rose lifted up her hips, positioned herself, then sank down on him, engulfing him in hot, tight heat. They moaned their pleasures, stilling all movement to savour this moment and feeling.

 

When she started to move again, it was slow and experimental, leisurely gaining speed and building a rhythm he met with every thrust. His hands were gripping her bottom, lifting her that little bit so her clit would rub against him, making her squeal with every other downward thrust. Her hands lay on his chest, her nails digging into his skin, the pain on just the right side of pleasure.

Her breasts were bouncing over him and he sat up a bit and took one nipple into his mouth, pulling a sharp cry from Rose' lips, making her miss the rhythm for a second.

 

"Jesus Fuck, yess," her moans grew louder, forming words of approval, encouraging him and his mouth. He could tell she drew closer to her orgasm, her eyes drawing together in concentration and her words missing second syllables. He could feel his own climax getting nearer and let one hand wander from her back to her front, laying his thumb over her clit, rolling and pressing and twirling it, and suddenly she came. Her nails dug into his chest and her hips jerked violently as she threw back her head and screamed out the wave of pleasure that rolled and rolled and rolled through her. He felt her tight grip around his cock, her fingernails in his skin and with one, two, three final thrusts upwards he let go, spending himself within her.

 

Panting heavily he fell back on the bed, followed closely by Rose, who lay completely spent on his chest. Gently he rolled them to the side, laying her on the bed before quickly slipping off to the en-suite to dispose of the condom. When he came back he lay down beside her and she instantly cuddled up to him. He fished the blanket from the other side of the bed and spread it over the both of them before turning to Rose. A smile grew on his lips as he watched her sleep peacefully in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters Three to Five are set after 7x06 "The Snowmen". The Doctor is still travelling on his own in all three chapters -> no Clara.

His pace was slow and leisurely. Rose' legs were clasped around his hip, her heels digging into his ass and thigh, driving him on, soundlessly begging him to go faster. The Doctor wouldn't have it, though. He intended to draw this out, to enjoy it as long as possible. Her nails were driving into his shoulder, clinging to him, pressing him to her. She wanted to feel every inch of his body against her, wanted to relish in the feeling of his hot, slick skin rubbing against hers, strained muscles flexing under the thin sheet of sweat.

 

"I've fantasized about this, Rose." His voice was deep and hoarse, his breathing ragged. His lips danced over her body, devouring her neck, her shoulder, her cleavage, everywhere he could reach, mumbling against her skin, driving her mad with every word he whispered. "For soo long, I've been dreaming of you, of this, of doing this to you."

 

His rhythm never speeding up, he let his hand dance down her body, grabbing her leg under the knee, hitching it up, giving him better access. He thrust up, reaching even deeper inside her, hitting that one spot deep within her. Rose gave a strangled squeal, her breath caught at the new feeling, her nails digging deeper into his shoulder.

 

"The nights I've spent alone in my bed, Rose," he quietly growled, his mouth only inches from her ear, "oh, the things I did, Rose, always wishing it would be your hand instead of mine." With a loud moan she threw her head back, enthralled by his voice, by his words, envisioning the things he was telling her and getting even more turned on by them. "Oh, how I imagined you there with me, you touching me, you tasting me."

 

With another deep moan she rocked her hips against him, writhing beneath him, obviously enjoying his words immensely. "You, Rose, always you!" His voice was getting rougher, his words having the same effect on him as he recounted his fantasies and dreams. Her high pitched gasps told him that she was close to her climax and her rocking hips showed him that she just needed that little bit of help to throw her over.

 

His thrusts were still just as slow as in the beginning, having slowly built a strong tension in both their bodies. "Come for me, Rose, I wanna watch you when you come undone," he whispered in her ear just before he laid his thumb over her clit, rubbing, pressing, twirling, and she shattered beneath him, soundlessly writhing and trashing, her nails nearly drawing blood and her inner walls clenching tightly around him. He watched her as she came, glorying in her bliss and beauty before he finally gave in to the tight pull and let his orgasm wash over him.

 

A few minutes later he rolled off her, careful not to crush her. He brought his mouth to hers, sealing her lips in an intimate kiss, before quickly getting up. He disposed of the condom and rinsed a washcloth, then returned to her bed and gently washed her clean. Rose took the cloth and let it drop to the floor by the bed, before pulling him near her and snuggling up. She stretched up for another slow kiss, before settling down on his chest and letting sleep take over.

 

The Doctor threw the nearest blanket over them and sighed. His eyes locked on the radio clock on Rose' nightstand, showing the time and date in a green glow:

 

_Thu, 22 nd January 2004_

_5:47 pm_

 

Thursday, which meant that Jackie would be home by 7 o'clock. By now he'd of course met Rose' mum and was surprised to say that she actually quite liked him. She hadn't slapped him once and even hugged him every now and then. He didn't know how to feel about this, whether it was just his ninth face she hadn't liked or if he maybe wasn't as rude as he'd been a few hundred years ago.

 

As it was, Rose and John Smith had been dating for four months now. It had started off as the most brilliant thing he'd ever experienced, had enjoyed every second of it – and yes, they've had lots and lots of sex!

 

After having accepted that he couldn't simply walk away from her - given that he only had this short amount of time with her - he'd allowed himself this one adventure he'd never been able to have before. Because he knew that Rose had to start dating Mickey sooner or later, so he knew he could only have her for a few months.

 

And they'd really enjoyed their time, spending hours at a time in her bed, making love and exploring each other's bodies, or experiencing little adventures, running and laughing and always holding each other's hands. They'd had picnics and gone to the zoo, because she liked those romantic things every now and then, and they'd explored empty warehouses and helped a small group of students to free two monkeys from a research lab. They'd gone to galleries, where he had told her of the artists and the periods they'd lived in, and visited nightclubs, only to find themselves in the back alley behind the club, pressed against cold brick walls with hands beneath clothes and hot, ragged breaths on each other's necks.

 

When he hadn't been with Rose, he'd been in the TARDIS, tinkering in the control room or modifying some setting on his screwdriver. As time went on though, he'd grown restless. He had thoroughly enjoyed himself when he'd been with Rose, but during the times in between he'd started to go insane. He'd started to go on little adventures on his own, piloting his TARDIS to times and places far away, spending first days, then weeks in a row on far away planets.

 

He had always returned to Rose, never having been gone for more than three or four days from her point of view, but soon she had started to get suspicious. He had hardly been able to tell her what he'd been up to, had to be careful what to say around her. He'd felt guilty because he had never wanted to do this to her, to lie to her and censor his words and she had noticed; noticed how quiet he'd grown, never quite saying what had been on his mind, how he'd stopped telling her stories of his past adventures and had started to retreat from her.

 

And of course the day he had dreaded the most had come, because he'd always known how miserable she was at the Powell Estate and how much she just wanted to escape. His tales of adventures and excitement had come fewer, but when she'd finally asked him to take her with him he'd still not known what to answer her.

 

A week ago they'd been having a huge fight, starting with disappointment and regret, promises that he would love to take her with him, but that he couldn't, because of reasons he couldn't even say. Hours later they had screamed and cursed and when Rose had started to cry tears of anger and rage, he'd left the apartment, slamming the door behind him. He'd spent nearly a month travelling the stars and trying to get rid of the overwhelming guilt he'd felt, before returning to the Powell Estate two days after he'd left. He'd apologized profoundly to her, had tried to explain and promised to not shut her out anymore, telling her that he loved her over and over again and that he would take her away, just not now. Glad that he'd returned to her, that he hadn't left her like Jimmy had, Rose had welcomed him back, apologizing herself and returning the sentiments of love.

They had tried to make each other forget that night as they'd made love, gently and slowly, whispering words of love and forgiveness.

 

He hadn't gone off to other planets ever since, but had stayed on Earth, trying to get things back to how they'd been in the beginning.

He wanted to be a good boyfriend, wanted to make her happy, because she was Rose and worth every effort. But he already noticed how he was going mad, always staying at the same place, living life on the slow path - it wasn't him, never had been. Although he really wanted to be able to live life like this for her, he knew that it would make him go insane.

 

"You never sleep." Startled the Doctor was pulled from his thoughts and looked at her. He hadn't realised that Rose had awoken, watching him as he'd silently thought of their situation. "In all these months I've never seen you asleep." She held his gaze, daring him to lie to her face. He paused for a moment, running through various explanations, before settling on: "I don't sleep much, never have."

 

They fell silent for a few minutes, neither quite ready to voice what both were thinking, what both had been thinking for a week. Finally Rose spoke up: "This isn't gonna work out, is i'?" Her voice was barely a whisper as if the truth of her words wouldn't be audible this way.

 

"Rose," he started, but didn't know how to continue. Because no, they wouldn't work out, not like this, not as Rose and John Smith, but hearing her say it out loud still broke his hearts. "I love you, Rose, I always will!" A tear hit her pillow and her quiet sobs told him that she knew where this was going. Being the coward he'd always been, he stayed silent. He couldn't do that, he couldn't tell his perfect, pink and yellow human that they couldn't see each other again, that he couldn't make her happy like she deserved to be.

 

"I love you too, John," she whispered with a sad tone in her voice and tears slipping down her face, "but you are suffering and you're in pain." She looked in his eyes and he could see sadness in them that brought tears to his eyes. She sat up, not bothering to hold a sheet in front of her naked chest. "I'm hurting you." She sounded resigned and sad and lowered her gaze, not being able to see the truth on his face. "No, Rose, no! You are the only thing that makes sense to me." How could she say that, how could she think that? With a hand on her cheek he made her look at him, trying to make her see the truth of his words: "You are the only thing that doesn't make me miserable!"

 

"Then why, John?" Her face was a mix of confusion and sadness. "Why are you shutting me out? What are you not telling me? You don't show yourself for days and when I ask you what you've been up to, you lie to me. I have never been in your apartment, where do you even live?"

 

Words escaped him. He couldn't answer her, didn't know what to say, so he kissed her. With his hands on her cheeks he drew her to him and laid his lips over hers. He couldn't answer her questions, but he could show her how much he loved her – so he did. Slowly and with whispered promises of love and affection he showed her how much he adored her. Tears slid down her face as she came, knowing that this was his way of saying goodbye.

As exhaustion started to make her eyelids get heavy, she felt him get up. In the shadows of the already dark afternoon she tried not to listen to him getting dressed until sleep finally dragged her into oblivion.

 

A while later he fixed his bowtie, before kneeling next to the bed. He gently pressed his lips to her forehead, before laying a piece of paper under her hand. It was a pencil drawing of her, a doodle he'd made when he'd been stuck in a prison cell on some distant planet two weeks ago. Underneath he'd written the words his guilt-ridden brain had been repeating over and over and over, the Gallifreyan symbols forming the words "Please, forgive me!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Six is set in the far future for the Doctor and near the end of season two for Rose.

Everybody dies and no one knows it like the Doctor – the words have never rung so true. He didn't know what to do.

 

He had loved River, he still did. Their relationship had been so unusual, so special. Sometimes he hated the universe for their reversed timelines; it was cruel and unfair. Unfair that he hadn't known her on the day she'd died, that he hadn't been able to tell her all the things she had deserved to hear in her last hour. Cruel that he had only been able to give her this beautiful present in the knowledge that he would never see her again, ever.

 

The tears had rolled down his face and he hadn't even had the strength to wipe them away, to hide them from her. He'd fastened his grip on her, pressed her body tighter to his as they'd stood on that mountain on Darillium, dancing in the moonlight and listening to the Singing Towers.

They had said their goodbyes a few hours later. By then he hadn't had any tears left, but he'd given her the new upgraded version of his screwdriver. He'd known she'd need it soon.

 

This had been a few weeks ago, maybe a month. Time had seemed to play tricks on his mind ever since and he wasn't even sure where he was at the moment. After their goodbye he had stepped back into the TARDIS and with his last strength of will he had managed to set the engine to a time and place far away. He had been sitting in the Library ever since, trusting his oldest friend and companion that she would take care of him, while he cried over all the people he'd lost during the past millennium.

 

He remembered his very first family, his parents and grandparents, his siblings and cousins. He still remembered his first wife and the day they'd met, his daughter and his son and their own children. His granddaughter Susan had been the first one to run away with him, his very first companion, so eager to learn and explore. Many had followed in her footsteps and he wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

In his weakest moment the Doctor thought back to Rose and the time he got to spend with the young version of her. True, he hadn't been happy being shackled down to 21rst century London, but whenever he'd looked at Rose his spirits had been lifted. One smile from her lips had been enough for him to try anyways, to postpone running off for just another night, to let everything seem just a little bit sunnier.

 

With a gentle hum the TARDIS agreed with him. Rose had been good for him, she had calmed his soul and spirit and before he could react in any way his ship had landed and parked herself, still humming softly. Torn between surprise and foreboding the Doctor rose from his seat and started to make his way to the control room. She hadn't done that in a long while, not since the Ponds' death and looking back over the previous destinations his ship decided to make him visit, he had a fairly good idea of the time and place she had landed in this time.

 

A quick look at the screen confirmed his suspicion. For a few moments he considered ignoring his old Type 40, but soon he had to admit that she was probably right in bringing him here – again. Without giving himself much opportunity to chicken out the Doctor took four big steps from the console to the double doors and stepped outside.

 

He was greeted by warm rays of late spring sunshine, the sound of laughter and the smell of freshly cut grass. The little park area was filled with children playing catch, mothers gossiping on park benches, a few old people taking a stroll in the nice weather – and Rose. Wrapped in a dark blue hoodie and some low sitting and faded jeans she stood before him, hands in the pockets and a welcoming smile on her lips.

 

"I was wondering if I'd see you ever again." Her greeting was warm and happy and not the least bit surprised, even though he had just stepped out of a small blue telephone box from the 1960s. " _This_ you, I mean", she added with a wicked grin and a peck of tongue between her lips.

 

"Oh?" Surprise didn't even cover how he felt and he guessed she'd been aiming for exactly that, as she was bubbling with a small giggle when she saw his raised eyebrows. She held out her hand and when he took it, she pulled him with her on a slow, relaxed stroll through the park.

 

For quite a while a silence fell over them as they walked over pale green grass towards a small duck pond. Never letting go of each other's hands they took their seats on a bench and when Rose still didn't say anything to explain herself, he decided to end the silence himself.

 

"How old are you?" Considering she obviously knew _him_ he first needed to make sure he didn't say too much. Foreknowledge was a dangerous thing and he couldn't risk damaging his own past.

 

"That's not an easy question to answer, Doctor. It's hard to keep track of your birthdays if you can't even be sure if it's day or night." She turned to look at him and he recognized a calm contentment in her features. Gone were the frowns of disappointment and sadness he had witnessed on her face during their last time together. She obviously wasn't miserable anymore – on the contrary, she seemed happy and elated and her whole posture showed it. "But if I had to guess, I would say my 24th birthday must be coming up soon."

 

With a small nod he laid his gaze upon a lone duck circling the pond. If she really was 24 years old, then she would soon get trapped in the parallel world. This might very well be the last time he'd taken her to visit her Mom before Canary Wharf and Bad Wolf Bay happened.

 

"What about you? How old are you?"

 

The Doctor remained silent for a few moments, musing if it was safe enough to tell her. She did know about him being the Doctor and she must also know the dangers of foreknowledge. On the other hand, his age would only give her so much information, barely enough to draw any real conclusions of it.

 

"1288." He smiled at her surprised reaction. She'd obviously known him to be old, but probably hadn't guessed him that old. He could almost see her thoughts as the next obvious question on her tongue – where her future self was at the moment – melted away. An understanding overtook her features as she laid a supporting hand over his.

 

"When did you realise?" From the moment he'd stepped out of the TARDIS and found her standing before him he'd been wondering about this. Had she only realised his true identity the moment she saw him come out of the familiar blue box? Or had she had her suspicions before that, maybe even the moment she'd took her first step inside his ship?

 

"During Christmas Dinner, shortly after your regeneration." He should've known that she would figure it out rather soon. Maybe she'd had an early inkling, but the fact that he could change his face would've definitely been needed to solve the puzzle. His lips formed a recognizing "Ah!" as he smiled proudly upon his brilliant, human Rose.

 

"Remember when I asked you to show me all your previous faces?" It seemed like she'd been waiting for ages to finally be able to show him her deductions, to receive a proud nod from him for her clever reasoning. "When I didn't find my John Smith in your past appearances I assumed that you were a future version."

 

The Doctor thought back on that moment, remembering her nervous stance and slightly disappointed reaction as he'd shown her his previous faces. Back then he'd just gathered that she was still trying to come to terms with the whole prospect of regeneration. He also remembered her being cautious for a while after, sometimes starting a question, but never finishing it. He'd always got the feeling that she'd meant to discuss something important with him, but for whatever reason couldn't quite bring herself to say it out loud.

 

"Oh, how brilliant you are, Rose Tyler!" Proudly he looked into her eyes, showing her with one gaze how special she still was to him, how happy he was that she could still surprise him after all this time. He used their closeness to study her more closely, discovering hard angles and features he hadn't seen in a long time. She was so much older than when she'd been dating John Smith, not only physically. She wore a strength and braveness where there'd been pain and longing before. Softly he laid his hand on her cheek, his thumb gently stroking some small lines beside her eye. Sighing she nudged her head against his hand, revelling in this touch she'd missed for so long.

 

"I was angry at you for such a long time," she whispered, laying her hand over his, afraid he would move away if she shared these thoughts. She'd longed to tell him this for years, to have him apologize and explain himself to her, to forgive him, to kiss him. "And then I met you, the young you… big ears and leather jacket." A small smile crept upon her face, her eyes closed and lost in the beautiful memory of her first Doctor. "You saved me as much as I saved you, Doctor."

 

He felt sorry, knowing he shouldn't have left her like he did, because she was his Rose and she deserved the best of everything. Guilt-ridden he wanted to pull away, but her hand kept him where he was. Rose opened her eyes and looked at him and instead of hate or anger he was met with love and understanding. "And then I understood. I began to see why you did what you did, why you disappeared and lied about it, why you never really opened up, never really told me about yourself." Hope flared inside him, he definitely didn't deserve her! "I've forgiven you, Doctor."

 

"Oh Rose.." Love for her was always present, but what he felt at this moment surpassed it all. How could it be that with everything he'd done in his life, with every hideous crime, with every awful choice he'd made, he still had the privilege and right to call this perfect woman his friend, his lover, his soul mate? With fervour he brought their lips together in a searing kiss, relishing the soft feel of her against him, of her taste on his tongue.

 

Slowly breaking the kiss she laid her forehead against his, fingers gently caressing his neck and travelling through his long strands of hair. "I miss you so much, Rose!" His voice was a mixture of a growl and a whisper, sadness and loneliness oozing from every word.

 

"I miss you too, this you. I miss your kisses and your touch, I miss the feel of your arms around me as I fall asleep and your whispered promise of love." Regret filled him as he listened to her words, because she wasn't telling him that she missed the physical intimacy, but his openness towards her. During the last three hundred years not a day had gone by when he hadn't hated himself for never telling her how he felt. His tenth body had loved her more than anything in a very, very long time, more than he'd ever loved her, he'd been born out of his love for her and still he'd been too much of a coward to tell her. Even in the face of death or knowing that he'd never get another chance to do so he hadn't been able to force out those words.

 

"Listen to me, Rose, because this is important." He waited for her to open her eyes and look at him with her undivided attention, because he hadn't told her when he should have and he would be damned if he wouldn't take this second chance the universe had thrown him. "I have loved you since Christmas 1869. I know that I never told you, but please never doubt that it's true. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and I know that I will love you till the end of my last body."

 

He saw his words registering on her face, tears starting to form in the corner of her eyes and with a deep kiss she returned the sentiment. He savoured her taste, the feel of her tongue against his, her fingers digging into his shoulder blades, the quite whimpers she made, memorizing them for lonely nights and lonesome days. When they broke for breath she stayed close to him, snuggling up to his side, listening to the double heartbeat she had somehow never discovered when she'd been dating John Smith.

 

After a while she broke the comfortable silence, asking him why he came here today. Memories of his late wife came flashing back and slowly he started to tell her about River. He started at the beginning, with Donna and the Library, then continued with his discovery of their reversed timelines. She listened to his quiet, strained voice for an hour, only interrupting him to confirm suspicions or clarify some complex situations.

 

At first he was afraid to tell her about his feelings for River, not wanting her to believe that he replaced her in any way. But she was Rose and soon she realised what he was doing – holding back, not quite saying – and she eased his mind. She told him that she understood, that she wasn't mad or jealous, because honestly she was happy for him. Ever since their adventure with Sarah Jane Smith she'd known that one day she wouldn't be there for him anymore and the thought of him staying on his own, being lonely and unloved, simply crushed her heart.

 

So he told her the whole story, describing his growing feelings for River, his excitement whenever he saw her and the sadness when she had to leave him again. He told her how it had torn his hearts apart when she'd regenerated before his eyes and turned into a loveless River, only out to hurt him, belittling him for his feelings for her.

 

When he finally reached their last adventure, the towers of Darillium and his final goodbye, his voice broke. He didn't have any more tears to give and his voice wasn't strong enough either. Her expression was sad and her voice gentle and calming as she tried to find the right words, tried to give him hope and making prospects of maybe meeting a younger River again, assuring him how much she'd loved him and that this was the important part.

 

 

 

Dusk was already settling over the city when their quiet conversation was interrupted by the far away sound of the TARDIS materializing. "You chose to not stay with me at my Mom's, said something about spare parts on Marolious IV and that you'd be back in the evening," Rose explained in return to his questioning gaze. She got up from their park bench, stretching her limbs, then pulling the Doctor up and towards her.

 

"By the way, how did you even know I would come here today?" The Doctor couldn't quite believe that it was a coincidence that she would be waiting for him on the one day he'd come back here. With his hand tightly clasped in hers she started the trail back to his TARDIS, not quite ready to let him go yet.

 

"I didn'. Came here every time you brought me home, was hoping to meet you." With her tongue between her teeth she grinned up at him, glorying in his proud look. Remembering back on this day he knew that he'd only been back on Earth for a few minutes before Rose had stepped into the TARDIS and they were off again. He pulled her in one last, deep kiss, then pulled back and opened the door of his blue box.

 

"Bye, Doctor, maybe we'll meet again. Here, at our duck pond." The dusk made her look even more beautiful than ever, her face bathed in hope and happiness. He didn't have it in him to hurt her again, to tell her that this was their last goodbye. So he smiled and waved and wished her goodbye, willing her to remember in the darkness that lay ahead that he would always love her.


End file.
